I'm a Puppet of My Own Thoughts *SI triggers*

I'm so tired of being triggered by little things. I wish I could just live my life without thoughts of self-injury or suicide. I wish I could be "normal". Yet I do not remember how life is without these thoughts.

I'm currently reading an amazing book, but of course it's triggering me. I refuse to put it down because I will learn to live through these triggers and enjoy life! Somehow I will do that.

**Triggers**

But I just can't help but crave to see blood, or to see marks on my arms. I can't help but crave to feel the relief and anticipation of hurting myself. I can't help but wish I could just self injure and no one would know. Scars do not stop me, instead they egg me on. I stare at my scars and wish I could make more beautiful marks on my skin.

**END Triggers**

I've been acting as if I've moved on from where I was when I went into inpatient. Instead... I'm just living a lie and not acting on my constant thoughts. I constantly yearn to self-injure. I do not feel as low as I used to thanks to meds, but I'm aware that I will have to work to feel joy.

I sleep through most of my day because I can not handle being awake.

I am afraid to go to the free counseling center here on campus because, 1.) summer break is in about a month, 2.) what if I'm not "crazy" enough to need help, 3.) what if they do not know how to help me, 4.) I'm not willing to work on my body issues or accoknowledge them to anyone yet and this is part of my reasoning for hating myself and my one of my reasons I want to self-injure, 5.) what if they figure out I'm too difficult and stubborn and they are not willing to work through that, 6.) what if they do not understand or empathesize with me, 7.) what if they figure I'm fine after a little while and choose to end working with me... 8.) what if they do not see through my mask... there are times I am very convincing, 9.) I'm worried about the consequences with my major

I feel as if everyone hates me. I know that sounds stupid, it's just I do not think anyone wants to willingly spend time with me. And I know thats my fault. I'm not a good enough friend for anyone to want to be around. And I have such a hard time gathering my thoughts and being my old cheerful self... I'm just not worth being around.

I wish someone would just outright ask me to tell the truth and be willing to just listen to me. But I do not want to bother anyone, or to openly say I am struggling still. If I'm alright on the outside then I will ignore what is going on in my mind.

I guess I will continue just trying to get through the day and hope that someone will sometime be brave enough to call me out.

Take care.

~Your silently screaming rambler~

Reba, I love this part of the episode "God Created Van"

Body Issues **TRIGGERING CONTENT**

I'm TIRED of feeling so UPSET about my body!!!!!!

I have such self-hate running through me. I feel like falling to the ground and sobbing after looking into the mirror. Why does my body refuse to lose weight?! 20 pounds down and my body just hates me. I've changed my intake, I've upped my outtake, I've been attempting to up my metabolism... *silently screams*
What I need to change physically:

1. Loose 20 more pounds
2. Thinner thighs, THEY CANNOT TOUCH!
3. NO LOVE HANDLES!!!
   
4. No more lumpy stomach/need to flatten stomach
5. Hip bones defined
6. Smaller butt
7. More toned muscles in arms/less flab
8. Collar bones a little more defined
9. Be light enough that it is not difficult for a boyfriend/friend to pick me up
10. Never be the "fat-friend" again

What I need to change fitness-wise:

1. Up my endurance level
2. Up my flexibility
3. Exercise daily no matter what
4. Drink 4-8 glasses of water a day

What I need to change habit wise:

1. NO BINGING!!!!!!
2. Stop impulsively eating
3. Eat until full and do not eat unless hungry
4. Weigh myself only once a week, not multiple times a day

What I need to change about my personality and emotionally:

1. Stop comparing myself to others
2. Do not spread my bad habits to others
3. Bring my sense of humor back
4. Stop being the observer, start participating
5. Stop being annoying
6. Keep my happy-face up again
7. Listen to others, become everyone's confidant again
8. Do not let them see me fall
9. Be confident enough to come out from behind the camera

(or it shouldn't be, but mine is)

I want someone to know, someone I can talk to about this. But no one would believe me. They'd think that I'm trying to get attention or that I'm just making this crap up. I'm not. For two fucking years I have dealt with these thoughts. I have fought with myself whether I need to lose weight or whether I need to give my self-esteem a boost. I've always been the fat friend, I've always had body issues... but it wasn't until 2 years ago that I started acting on them religiously. I know what I am doing to my body. I know that what I eat isn't what a normal person eats, I know that I'm hurting myself mentally and physically. No matter how much I eat it feels like a binge. I want to lose weight, I long to see the change in the scale each morning. I'm tired of being fat.

My daily routine... I get up each morning. I look into the mirror, turn from side to side to see if my body has changed in any way. I bite my lip to keep from crying out at what I see. I suck in my stomach, and wish I looked like that all the time. Then I head to the scale. When it does not change the amount that I want it, I yell and promise myself that today will be a better day.

I promise myself that I will eat only x calories that day. I pay close attention to what I eat. A voice, my voice, in my head tells me that I am fat, worthless, a screw up every time I put food up to my lips. Then I eat more then what I was going to allow for the day. I hate myself, feel like tearing at my skin. Then the thought comes to mind... "oh well, I've fucked up today, might as well binge, it's not like it's going to change anything." Then I hate myself more for that.

I run to the scale to see how much it has changed from eating. I find myself on the bathroom floor, hating myself more because I cannot bring my body to purge the disgusting food out of me. I sit there crying, wishing I had a blade to write "fat, fuck up" on my arm. My stomach feels ill from the food in my stomach and from feeling emotionally sick. I then exercise as much as my body will allow, but it is not good enough because I ate so much. I promise myself that I will do better tomorrow onwards. Then this cycle repeats day in and day out.

I hate visiting the store and having to look through all the content in each food that I buy. I hate passing by the diet pills and deciding which one I will buy when I have the guts. (of which I haven't had the courage yet... all I've bought are metabolism boosting stuff)

I hate passing by the clothes, but refusing to try anything on because I know that I will not like what I see and because I know I will not be the size I wish I was.
My body slowly loses. I'll reach a new low weight, then I shift back up a couple pounds and maintain for a month. It shifts up and down, no one notices and I'm thankful for that... that means that no one can be ashamed of how my mind works except for me. It means that no one can see me fail when I have a bite of chocolate. It means that no one can tell me that this is ridiculous. 122 and I'm heading down! I promise myself and I will learn to keep my promises. I'm tired of doing this to myself, but I cannot stop. It's a battle that I cannot win. This thing, this routine, is something I hate... yet I love. I feel like a normal girl without depression and all this crap when I restrict and think only about food. This consumes my thoughts, my life. I want to throw these thoughts and actions out the door... yet I cannot loosen my grip. Or does it have it's grip tightly on me?

I'm sorry God... I'm so sorry Father. I know that this is idolatry, I know that my focus strays from you because of this... but I do not know how to let go of it. I feel panicky when I think of not having this in my life.

I do not know what to do. I feel so confused...

I love this song!

Father, Savior, Friend, God, Lord, have I told you lately how much I love you? I miss feeling comfortable and close to you. I wish I could physically run into your arms. I want to feel better, I long to have a deeper relationship with you. Instead I just... feel lost and feel like hiding.

I want to raise up my worries, burdens, and sins. But I feel so ashamed and I do not want to let go of some of my shameful things. I do not want to give up restricting. I want to ask you to take the pain away from me, but I feel unworthy and filthy. I know I'm putting other things before you, I just feel trapped and conflicted. I do not know how to turn everything to you.

I want to raise my hands to you in worship, shout out your praises, sing at the top of my lungs, dance down the street, and cry out for you. I love you Dad, I miss you, I want to go home to you.

**~**Childhood**~**...Do you ever feel like you just want to be a dork... have a day with no worries and just be yourself. Almost like you are a kid again. Not thinking about how others are judging you. Not having to worry about food and how it'll just be added to your hips. Not having to stress about tomorrow. Not having to worry about money. I want to have that day so much...

********

So what would I do on that day, you ask... hum.

• Wake up before the sun-rise.
• Get prettied up. Make-up, a dress, cute hairstyle, the whole sha-bang.
• Go to Taco Bell just before the sunset, watch the sunset while eating some yummy fast-food.
• Go back to dorm, get on some mix-matchy clothes, a wild hairstyle, then go to the mall. Just go through each store and try clothes on (no buying), hold the puppies, eat pretzel sticks at Auntie-Anns.
• Head to the nearest park. Play on all of the equipment. Dance like no one is around. Swing as high as you can, spin as fast as you can.
  
• Next is Monster Golf. Do not worry about winning, in fact... do your best to lose.
• Go to dinner at a breakfast joint, get all the items on the menu that you love.
• Go to Walmart, buy some $1 candies, a funny quiz magazine, crowns/"fancy" kid jewelry, and some fun-colored (non-permanent) hair dye.
• Proceed to crown yourselves as soon as you check out.
  
• Now a late movie, go see the funniest kids movie out there... If you are lucky and find a movie that has no one else in it... run around like maniacs, eat loads of popcorn (throw some), and the candy you bought.
• And now back to the dorm... dye hair with crazy-colored streaks.
• Turn on some crazy music and dance while making cookies. (eating cookie dough during this time)
• Back in room... eat the cookies with forks and be all "fancy" with "fancy" cups (with coffee in it of course!)
• Do all of the quizzes in the magazine.
• Crash on the floor with a blanket and pillow while watching The Princess Bride.

********

Why can't I have this day? Heck, who would I have this day with? No one seems really willing to come out of their comfort zone and well I seem to not have a well-formed comfort zone. Yes I get embarassed and worry what others think... but there are times that I just want to be myself... and a big part of me is being a dork, a spontaneous, childish, nutty person.

WEEKENDERS!!!

IT'S FRIDAY!!!! GLORIOUS GLORIOUS FRIDAY!!! I am so excited that it's the weekend and I can relax and de-stress. The weather is BEAUTIFUL... ok it's warmer at least.

I went to my pdoc on Wednesday. My anti-d was doubled. My mom thinks I'm on too high of a dose *rolls eyes*... I love how much she truly doesn't get. I think it is sweet that she says she wants me to talk to her if I ever feel down and such... but that's so hard to do when she just wants to "fix" my problems instead of listen and say I can see your going through a hard time. She also doesn't seem to understand that her little girl could be going through this depression crap. I feel like my emotions and problems are downplayed by her or will bring her down in the dumps, ya know?

I am really craving Lil Mexico food!!... Thank goodness that I am not home and able to maul food. I love how much more control over my food, my cleaning habits (I'm such a nerd, I enjoy cleaning), my life in general I seem to have while at college. I'm so glad that I haven't been over eating. Also my body is feeling fantastic since I'm back to exercising daily, hopefully my body will show some improvement on the scale soon.

I'm still avoiding walking over to the college counseling center. I've been told by a couple people I should go back... but I just do not know yet. There are days I feel productive and that I can handle going to classes... but there are other days that I just run back to my room after classes because of anxiety or stay in bed and miss a class because of depression. Mental Illness SUCKS... don't let anyone tell you any different k. *wink*

Coffee sounds LOVELY right now... too bad my roomie is not in here to make some with her machine... bah.

Time is just going by way too fast. It seems life is just so rushed... I wish I could really live it. Yet if I slow down, I end up feeling suicidal. So busy it shall be...

Off to clean and exercise. Take care and enjoy your weekend!

Randomness

“My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?”

—Hemingway

*nods*

... Dazzle... Pants... O.O... wow

Just so you guys do not think I'm a totally annoying, constantly depressed girl who needs to shut up and just let life roll... I thought I'd share with you that...


I do not care what the d (depression) bug is telling me... today really truly has been spectacular!! God answered seriously like all of my prayers today.

• Money situation (CHECK, literally got my financial aid check thingy!)
• Grades (how am I passing all of my classes? beats me... and only 55 days left of this semester DANG)
• Homework, finished on time somehow!!
• I bought stuff... go impulsive shopping... I got 3 movies, a CD, 2 packages of chocolate covered gummies, and sadly... a tool (*cough* blades *cough*), but we are not counting that sad little bit that I bought huh? (except the fact that they came in a pink, round package today... how pretty for such a lovely day)
• I finally turned in my application for the summer camp position thing, my group interview is on the 5th (hopefully I get that position)
  
• My weight has been maintaining even after this horrid weekend, and perhaps will be better tomorrow
• I'm exercising tonight and watching one of my movies
• I'm going to clean/organize tonight (yes I'm a nerd and enjoy doing this)
• I plan on reading some tonight, it's been forever since I've read for fun... and I realllllly miss it
• My rommie is totally awesome, just thought I'd throw that in there
• I found some totally fun pictures
  
• I might have connections on how to get a therapist *crosses fingers that this one goes well*

*deep breath* See good day huh?

Must not let this good day go to waste. Off I go, take care!

Anxiety, Unease, Angst, Worry

Apparently I'm a whining baby right now...

I just wanted to talk about anxiety and how it can ruin a person's life. Gotta love how it goes alongside depression. *rolls eyes*

Now what is anxiety you ask? Anxiety is a physiological and psychological state characterized by cognitive, somatic, emotional, and behavioral components. These components combine to create an unpleasant feeling that is typically associated with uneasiness, fear, or worry. Thanks wiki! *goes all salesman-like and winks*

Reasons why anxiety totally sucks:
1.) Late schoolwork (big grade reductions)
2.) Missing classes
3.) Avoiding people
4.) Feeling the need to be silent
5.) Getting out of bed is hell
6.) Forget ever talking to anyone about any problem, it's not possible
7.) Feeling like you are having a heart attack/it's paralyzing

Basically it totally sucks, and I wish it would just disappear to wherever it came from.

Like that picture, it is like reaching out of help, but finding no one and feeling completely alone in a crowded room. It's like screaming inside your head. It is maddening.

Cures for anxiety:
1.) Meds, bring on those meds please
2.) Talking about it, hum... lets think... feeling anxious=dissociation=ain't no talking going to happen
3.) Deep breathing exercises, sure, yea uh
4.) And from http://www.mothernature.com/Library/Bookshelf/Books/16/10.cfm (my comments are alongside it)..............................................

Symptom Relief

Take a motion potion. Ventilate your anxiety by taking it for a walk. (Girl with an eating disorder says she exercises like mad already, and when something is due in 2 hours, you have no time to exercise)

Make yours decaf. (Me and soda do not go together, and Me and coffee are like lovers... don't try to part us, but I can't say I've had coffee recently... I MISS YOU COFFEE!!!!)

Ban the bottle. (I've never had alcohol)

Breathe easy. (I'd like to see YOU try this when you are freaking out)

Sit in the worry chair (Interesting, sitting 30 minutes in a worry chair and just worry... hum... yea I kind of already worry enough??)

Quick Fixes for Anxious Moments

Look up. (*looks up* ok I just feel silly)

Breathe calmly. (*breathes in, breathes out* ok)

Soften that shrug. (ok if I didn't have this deadline on my shoulders currently this kind of stuff mind work for worrying for no cause or for stuff that isn't due very soon)

Slow your thinking. (again, you try slowing your thinking, hahahahahahaha yea right!)

Alter your voice. (*looks over at sleeping roomie* sure I'll talk right now)

Move your body. (ooookay)

Let your face fix it. (Interesting)

Be a fly on the wall. (Interesting, I already do this naturally)

When Anxiety Just Won't Yield

(*waits for it... waits for it*)

Try the thinking therapy. (oh really)

Find help at your pharmacy. (up my dosage pllleeeease)

So... that was this morning section of... I'm a Freak... join us next week, heck tomorrow, heck later today, for lovely rantings. Have a nice, anxiety-free (yea right) day!

Survey

A Multi-Faceted, Insightful Survey.

The Skin Deep
What is your name?: HC
How old are you?: 19
How old do you look?: 17?
But how old do you feel?: 2
And how old do you wish you were?: 2
Where were you born?: In a hospital.
Where do you live now?: In a dorm.
Describe your father in five words.: Impossible to do, He's in Heaven.
Describe your mother in five words.: Amazing, Brilliant, Beautiful, Loving, Shy
If you have siblings, describe him/her/them in five words.: Only child yea!
How tall are you?: 5'3"
How much do you weigh?: 122
Are you happy with your body?: Heck no.
Have you ever taken drastic measures to change your body?: Starving myself, is that drastic?
What colour is your hair?: Dark brown.
Is this your natural hair colour?: Nope. (I'm a natural blonde)
What colour are your eyes?: Hazel (green-blue)
What ethnicity are you?: A white chick.
What is your heritage?: European?
Are you proud of where you come from?: Suuuure?
If you could belong to any other race, which would it be?: Umm... bird oh wait is that a species?
Describe your personal style.: Dorky or casual
What kind of shoes do you most like to wear?: FlipFlops
What is the item of clothing you most often wear?: Jacket.
Describe the one item of clothing or the accessory that sums up your style.: Broadway-Styled Hat
Do you wear jewellery?: Yes.
Do you wear anything with sentimental value?: Yes, my ring on my necklace.
What do you consider your best physical features?: My wrist...
And your worst physical features?: Everything else.
If you could have someone else's appearance, whose would you choose?: someone thin

Something To Believe.
Do you believe in abortion?: No
Using contraception?: Yes
Underage sex?: No
Sex before marriage?: No
That gay sex is acceptable?: ... umm I think no
Monogamy?: Yes
Do you believe in the death penalty?: Hell no
Life imprisonment without parole?: Yes
Voluntary euthanasia?: Hard to say.
Involuntary euthanasia?: No
Do you believe in the afterlife?: Yes
In reincarnation?: No
In heaven and hell?: Yes
In purgatory?: ?
Do you believe in God?: Yes
Various gods?: No
Some form of higher power?: *points up*
Do you believe in ghosts?: Yes
Extra-terrestrial lifeforms?: No
Do you believe in any conspiracy theories about 9/11?: No
Do you believe in Area 51?: No
Mass murderers: evil or ill?: Typically ill.
Paedophiles: evil or ill?: Evil.
Hitler: evil or ill?: Probally both.
Do you believe that everyone is intrinsically good?: I think everyone has good and "evil" in them.
What do you think makes good people commit evil crimes?: Motive, Instinct, Lack of Judgment
Is it nature or nurture that has the most effect on a person?: Both!
What are your opinions on suicide?: >.> should a suicidal/depressed person answer this question?
On paganism?: Sin
On scientology?: Halrious
On the Iraq war?: I do not agree with war.
On the size zero debate?: What's that?
On nuclear warfare?: Cool that nuclear stuff is possible, but heck no.
On racism?: No reason! I do not agree with it.
On bullying?: Hate it!
On street crime?: Ridiculous
On drug-taking and drug-dealing?: Sad
On global warming?: Haha
Do you think the government can solve these problems?: Not really
Do you support any charities?: I'll probably support charities that fight animal and child abuse.
Why do you support these charities, and how, if at all?: I will when I have money, but with my time I WILL support charities.
Do you read the newspapers?: The comics only.
Do you think the world will be a good place for future genreations?: Which generation?

A Few Of My Favourite Things.
What is your favourite physical feeling?: Laughter
Your favourite emotional feeling?: Joy
Your favourite childhood memory?: Too many.
Your favourite recent memory?: Playing boardgames with my hall-mates.
What is your favourite book?: Too many to choose from.
Who is your favourite author?: Jodi Picoult
What is your favourite film?: Brothers Grimm or The Dark Knight or Rent, or... shall I continue?
Who is your favourite filmmaker?: Tim Burton
What is your favourite song?: "I loved you then" by 33 Miles
Your favourite artist?: Britt Nicole
Your favourite band?: Barlow Girls, Casting Crowns, 33 Miles, Skillet, Superchick
Your favourite musical genre?: Christian Rock and Musicals
What is your favourite television show?: House, Bones, Gilmore Girls
Who is your favourite actor?: Hum...
Who is your favourite actress?: Hum...
What is your favourite day of the week?: Saturday
Your favourite month?: None in particular
Your favourite season?: Spring
Your favourite holiday?: Christmas
Your favourite holiday destination?: Roller-Coasters!
What is your favourite place to be?: With family or friends.
What is your favourite outdoor activity?: Climbing trees.
Your favourite indoor activity?: Playing boardgames.
What is your favourite animal?: Cocker Spaniel
Shop?: YEA!... oh favorite?... hum
Shape?: Star
Subject in school?: Theatre or Psychology, how ironic >.>
Fairytale?: The funny ones...
Smell?: Rain
What is your favourite food?: Cheesecake
Your favourite meal?: Rolls and Rice
Your favourite dessert?: Puppy Chow
Your favourite drink?: Vitamin Water or Water
Who is your favourite male celebrity?: ?
Your favourite female celebrity?: ?
What is your favourite city?: New York
What is your favourite thing about your friends?: Being spontaneous with them.
About your family?: Their humor.
About yourself?: ... nothing?

Your Lifestyle, Choices, and Self.
What makes you weak?: Depression
What makes you strong?: My friends and family. My faith.
What are your character strengths?: Honest, Empathic, Funny at times, Spontaneous
Your character flaws?: Impulsive, Annoying, Spacey
What do you want to do in the future?: Change someone's life.
What are your long-term goals?: Graduate School
What education are you currently in?: I'm a freshman in college.
What are your hobbies?: Acting, Dancing, Sims, Reading
What are you interested in?: Theatre and Psych
What are your idiosyncracies?: my huh? *goes to dictionary.com* OOH... well I'm a dork, there are a ton of quirks..
How do you spend your weekends?: Reading, Sims, hanging with friends, sometimes homework
How do you spend your weekdays?: About the same as the weekends minus as much sleep
Describe your personality in a word starting with A.: Abnormal
B: Bold
C: Caring
D: Daring
E: Empathetic
F: Fearless
G: (via boyfriend) Goober
H: Humorous
I: Indescribable
J: Jokster
K: Kinesis... it's a word right?
L: Live
M: Maternal
N: Nervous
O: Off-my-rocker
P: Po-go-stick...
R: Roaring good time
S: Stupendous
T: Traveler
U: Unique
V: (via boyfriend) Vesty
W: (via boyfriend) Witty
What do you do for fun?: Read
What natural, non-materialistic things make you happy?: People
Who makes you smile?: My dorm-mates, my boyfriend, my mom.
What is your sense of humour like?: I'm never serious... everything is funny.
What material possessions are important to you?: My Bible, my hats (I love my hats), my rings.

The Darker Side.
Do you have or have you ever had a problem with substance abuse?: Nope
Alcohol?: Nope
Depression?: Yes
Anxiety?: Yes
Trauma?: Nope
Panic attacks?: Yes
Gambling?: Nope
Shopping addiction?: Yes... haha I'm an impulsive shopper!
Promiscuity?: Nope
Eating disorders?: Yes
Personality disorders?: Probably
Physical ailments?: Nope
Self-harm?: Yes
Do you do drugs?: Nope
Do you drink alcohol?: Nope
Do you engage in self-destructive behaviour?: Self-injury and not eating?
Do you have any very bad habits?: Probably lol
Have you ever seen a therapist?: Yes
What are your fears?: Failure, disappointment
What do you hate?: People who do not understand how I think... this drives me nuts!
What upsets you?: A lot.
What makes you angry?: Nagging
What is your worst memory?: Hum...
Do you believe in the use of psychiatric medication?: Alongside therapy yes.
Do you believe in 'the talking cure'?: It can help.
Do you believe in behavioural therapies?: Yes... ok come on, I'm a Psych major!
Do you believe one can 'snap out of' depressions if they try?: HECK NO
If you could cure one illness in the world, what would it be and why?: Depression
What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you?: Hum...
How do you deal with this?: Apparently not well

Love Is In The Air.
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Yes
Have you ever been in a relationship?: Yes
Have you ever been in a relationship that lasted more than 6 months?: Yes
Have you ever been broken-hearted?: Nope
Have you ever broken a heart?: Yes
Have you ever been cheated on?: No
Have you ever cheated on someone?: No
What was your favourite ever kiss?: My current bf isn't bad at kissing.
What do you look for in a significant other?: *pulls out picture of current bf*
Do you want to get married someday?: Yes
Do you believe in true love?: Unsure
Do you believe in soulmates?: Unsure
Do you believe in fate between people?: I believe everything happens for a reason, not necessarily in fate.
Who was the last person you kissed?: My boyfriend.
Was this the last person you dated steadily?: Yes
Have you ever kissed a stranger?: Nope
Are you a virgin?: Yes
If not, how old were you when you lost your virginity, and who to?: N/A
Have you ever had casual sex?: No
Do you believe in casual sex?: No
Have you ever been in love?: Unsure
Have you ever been in unrequited love?: No
Has anyone ever been in love with you?: I think so
Do you even believe in love?: Unsure
Do you love yourself?: No
Do you love your family?: Yes

Take This Survey | Search Surveys | MySpace Surveys
Survey found on Bzoink

Dear Friends...

Do you exist?








Friend defined by Dictionary.com:

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement

Synonyms: acquaintance, ally, alter ego, buddy, companion, comrade, sidekick, spare... etc

Best Friend define by Dictionary.com:

the one friend who is closest to you

Does anyone I know fit those descriptions? Acquaintances yes, friends no. There are people I like, do they like me? I can't say I truly trust anyone. Does anyone really know me? I mean really know who I am. Does anyone really understand how I think? I guess I might have some people I ally with in my struggles, but they really do not know the big picture. No one does.

Is this all my fault once again? Am I at fault for not trusting anyone to show my real self? Is it my fault that no one sees the real me. I have to be at fault for this. I try, or at least I think I do. All of this sounds like drama, sounds annoying, sounds like I'm whining, and sounds like I'm just wanting sympathy... but I'm not really writing this for anyone to respond... more because I've been pondering this lately. I do not understand what true friendship is, just like I do not understand what love is.

I wish I had someone who I could confide in without worrying what they are thinking. I wish I had someone I could talk to without worrying about if what I am saying is hurting them, or worrying that they already have enough problems in life... no one needs to hear my problems. Sounds like I need a therapist? HAHA... seriously it does sound like I need someone who is not judgmental, who responds but mainly listens, etc... UGH I might need a therapist, but also I need a friend who actually cares. I do not want my friends to be my therapists, just to understand how I feel and to know the real me.

I'd love to have a companion who understands what I am thinking, will not respond with criticism, but is not afraid to speak their mind. I'd love to have someone who would drag me out of bed in the morning just to go have breakfast with me. Or someone who knows when I am down and will just be willing to sit with me. I want someone who wants to spend time with me, I mean truly WANTS to spend time with boring, annoying, self-centered, depressed me. Someone who is willing to be a dork with me.

Anyone out there willing to be my "friend", and by this I mean a TRUE friend.

Ode Puppy Chow!!

Not that kind...

...Yea THAT KIND!!

And to all those fun messes while making puppy chow...

And how to make the DELICIOUS Puppy Chow!?

Ingredients: Crispix Cereal, Peanut Butter, Chocolate Chips, Powdered Sugar

How to: Melt butter, peanut butter, and chocolate chips together in the microwave or on the stove. Stir in cereal. Put powdered sugar into a plastic bag. Put cereal mixture into the bag and shake until well coated. (this is where things went crazy in those pictures)

I LOVE YOU PUPPY CHOW!!!

Life-Lost

I lost my life to depression. I lost my joy, I lost my interests, I lost my personality, I lost my faith, I lost everything.

The one thing that hurts the most is... knowing that I've felt differently. It hurts to know that at one time in the past I was happy. At one time in my life I actually wanted to see another day. If things could change for the worse, why can't I change them back for the better?

I remember what it is like to be enthusiastic about theatre. I remember adoring the stage, being excited to audition. Now all I feel is anxiety and deep sadness. I feel anxious, because I know I'm not talented. (Which in turn ruins auditions.) I feel deep sadness, because I miss being on stage and I miss acting. It was a passion of mine, and I lost it. I try so hard to get it back, but I am a failure at this... I can't seem to get my passions back in life.

"You see life slip away and fade, leaving only memories of a time before the monster. Soon, you don't see a reason to go back... And then you begin to forget what it was like to not only cry, but to laugh. And that is when you have lost yourself in the folds of darkness." - (http://thesuicidelist.blogspot.com/)

*nods* That is all true.

I miss real laughter. I miss real joy. I'm tired of faking it. I miss crying. I never thought I'd say that. I always thought crying was a sign of weakness, in some ways I still feel that way about crying... but now I miss that relief. I never cry, I'm so tired of not letting my emotions show.

I miss trusting my friends. I miss feeling like I belong. I feel like an observer and an outsider. I can't join in on the fun here at college, because I'm too busy being so damn depressed. I'm too busy trying to not kill myself (that seems so strange to admit) and too busy trying not to flunk out. I've lost who I really am. I've always been an extrovert, and I've always been the talkative one. Now I can't concentrate enough to let words flow out of my mouth... so I either sound like an idiot or I seem boring/annoying.

I've lost my faith. I "hide" (not technically possible, but hey I "try" anyways) from God. I can't seem to go to Him, because I feel so guilty for falling short of His glory. I feel so ashamed for what I have done. I also feel extremely guilty for not turning my back on my eating disorder and my self-injury. Instead I seem to be turning my back on Him. I really do not want to do this. I know what I need to do, but I can't seem to do the right thing. I feel like my depression is pulling me far away from the thing I'm searching for.

I'm so tired of living a life where I'm not actually living in the moment. I'm exhausted by living. I am either thinking of the past or worrying about the future. I'm never really there to enjoy life... so why live a life that I am not really living?

I'm so tired of thinking this way and I just wish it would all go away. I wish I could start over and I wish I wasn't given this path to take. I want my depression to go away!!

Taboo

So... why is mental illness so taboo? This topic has been bugging me a bunch!!!

I'm so tired of people skirting around problems. I hate having to lie about how I am doing just because people are uncomfortable with it and because I do not want them to think I just want attention.

HECK in my Psychology (yes Psych!) class people seem to skirt around the issue of mental illness... just an observation I made. When asked for prayer requests... people only ask for prayer about physical illness... they ignore everything else because mental illness is not usually prayed for in a group setting... I wish I could shake things up sometime, I would love prayer to help me deal with some of my issues, but I dare not utter a word about it.

I'm also ticked (I just learned this) at the fact that many places will not hire me as a psychologist because I've been hospitalized. GOODNESS why am I being punished for keeping myself safe!!? What did I do wrong to deserve this?

I also hate how my University frowns upon mental illness so much. Sure they have a great counseling center and a great psych department... but hey when I went into ip for 4 days I come back and am told that if it ever happens again then I'll be asked to not come back to school... WHAT THE CRAP. And I made up all my work and did well in my classes. I'd understand if I wasn't able to keep up with my classes, but come on... I left for only 4 days. It's like being punished for something I have no control over. If I had went to the hospital with a physical illness or an injury it would have been just fine... but no mental illness is "different" from physical illness. I do not understand the stigma of mental illness.

I feel like I'm at fault here. I feel like my depression is all my fault, that I caused it. I feel like I have no control over it and how I feel... yet I am fully responsible for it. I must have done something wrong?

I just wish I could show people that mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, it is not something to avoid. I want to speak out about this topic... and hey I just might in the future! (or if I get the opportunity in a paper I WILL write on this topic)

I guess I'm off, take care!

Video Time

Uprising Video

Boredom Inbetween Classes...

57%

Ode to Coffee

Java Chip Frappuccino® Blended Coffee

A decadent combination of chocolate and java chips combined with Starbucks® coffees and milk, blended with ice, topped with whipped cream (optional), and chocolate drizzle, a chocolate lovers dream.

(tall with no whipped cream)

Calories: 260 Fat Calories: 50

About Me

Hey. I'm HC. A little bit about me...

Name: ... HC (yes a nickname)
Age: 19

Blah stuff: I've been diagnosed with depression, I've self-injured for 2 years now, this is around the time my eating junk started as well.

Anyways...

I'm very much a dork... I like to post dorky things... I adore pictures... I am entertained by the small things in life. It is never a dull moment with me... because well, I'll find something hilarious/interesting to do in my spare time.

I'm a Psych and Theatre double major... aka I like hanging around nuts.

I'm going to use this blog to post my thoughts and to post random other stuff I come across.

Feel free to ask me any questions and to leave comments... even if they are just a funny quote of the day, a picture, or a star.