I'm a Puppet of My Own Thoughts *SI triggers*

I'm so tired of being triggered by little things. I wish I could just live my life without thoughts of self-injury or suicide. I wish I could be "normal". Yet I do not remember how life is without these thoughts.

I'm currently reading an amazing book, but of course it's triggering me. I refuse to put it down because I will learn to live through these triggers and enjoy life! Somehow I will do that.

**Triggers**

But I just can't help but crave to see blood, or to see marks on my arms. I can't help but crave to feel the relief and anticipation of hurting myself. I can't help but wish I could just self injure and no one would know. Scars do not stop me, instead they egg me on. I stare at my scars and wish I could make more beautiful marks on my skin.

**END Triggers**

I've been acting as if I've moved on from where I was when I went into inpatient. Instead... I'm just living a lie and not acting on my constant thoughts. I constantly yearn to self-injure. I do not feel as low as I used to thanks to meds, but I'm aware that I will have to work to feel joy.

I sleep through most of my day because I can not handle being awake.

I am afraid to go to the free counseling center here on campus because, 1.) summer break is in about a month, 2.) what if I'm not "crazy" enough to need help, 3.) what if they do not know how to help me, 4.) I'm not willing to work on my body issues or accoknowledge them to anyone yet and this is part of my reasoning for hating myself and my one of my reasons I want to self-injure, 5.) what if they figure out I'm too difficult and stubborn and they are not willing to work through that, 6.) what if they do not understand or empathesize with me, 7.) what if they figure I'm fine after a little while and choose to end working with me... 8.) what if they do not see through my mask... there are times I am very convincing, 9.) I'm worried about the consequences with my major

I feel as if everyone hates me. I know that sounds stupid, it's just I do not think anyone wants to willingly spend time with me. And I know thats my fault. I'm not a good enough friend for anyone to want to be around. And I have such a hard time gathering my thoughts and being my old cheerful self... I'm just not worth being around.

I wish someone would just outright ask me to tell the truth and be willing to just listen to me. But I do not want to bother anyone, or to openly say I am struggling still. If I'm alright on the outside then I will ignore what is going on in my mind.

I guess I will continue just trying to get through the day and hope that someone will sometime be brave enough to call me out.

Take care.

~Your silently screaming rambler~

Reba, I love this part of the episode "God Created Van"

Body Issues **TRIGGERING CONTENT**

I'm TIRED of feeling so UPSET about my body!!!!!!

I have such self-hate running through me. I feel like falling to the ground and sobbing after looking into the mirror. Why does my body refuse to lose weight?! 20 pounds down and my body just hates me. I've changed my intake, I've upped my outtake, I've been attempting to up my metabolism... *silently screams*
What I need to change physically:

1. Loose 20 more pounds
2. Thinner thighs, THEY CANNOT TOUCH!
3. NO LOVE HANDLES!!!
   
4. No more lumpy stomach/need to flatten stomach
5. Hip bones defined
6. Smaller butt
7. More toned muscles in arms/less flab
8. Collar bones a little more defined
9. Be light enough that it is not difficult for a boyfriend/friend to pick me up
10. Never be the "fat-friend" again

What I need to change fitness-wise:

1. Up my endurance level
2. Up my flexibility
3. Exercise daily no matter what
4. Drink 4-8 glasses of water a day

What I need to change habit wise:

1. NO BINGING!!!!!!
2. Stop impulsively eating
3. Eat until full and do not eat unless hungry
4. Weigh myself only once a week, not multiple times a day

What I need to change about my personality and emotionally:

1. Stop comparing myself to others
2. Do not spread my bad habits to others
3. Bring my sense of humor back
4. Stop being the observer, start participating
5. Stop being annoying
6. Keep my happy-face up again
7. Listen to others, become everyone's confidant again
8. Do not let them see me fall
9. Be confident enough to come out from behind the camera

(or it shouldn't be, but mine is)

I want someone to know, someone I can talk to about this. But no one would believe me. They'd think that I'm trying to get attention or that I'm just making this crap up. I'm not. For two fucking years I have dealt with these thoughts. I have fought with myself whether I need to lose weight or whether I need to give my self-esteem a boost. I've always been the fat friend, I've always had body issues... but it wasn't until 2 years ago that I started acting on them religiously. I know what I am doing to my body. I know that what I eat isn't what a normal person eats, I know that I'm hurting myself mentally and physically. No matter how much I eat it feels like a binge. I want to lose weight, I long to see the change in the scale each morning. I'm tired of being fat.

My daily routine... I get up each morning. I look into the mirror, turn from side to side to see if my body has changed in any way. I bite my lip to keep from crying out at what I see. I suck in my stomach, and wish I looked like that all the time. Then I head to the scale. When it does not change the amount that I want it, I yell and promise myself that today will be a better day.

I promise myself that I will eat only x calories that day. I pay close attention to what I eat. A voice, my voice, in my head tells me that I am fat, worthless, a screw up every time I put food up to my lips. Then I eat more then what I was going to allow for the day. I hate myself, feel like tearing at my skin. Then the thought comes to mind... "oh well, I've fucked up today, might as well binge, it's not like it's going to change anything." Then I hate myself more for that.

I run to the scale to see how much it has changed from eating. I find myself on the bathroom floor, hating myself more because I cannot bring my body to purge the disgusting food out of me. I sit there crying, wishing I had a blade to write "fat, fuck up" on my arm. My stomach feels ill from the food in my stomach and from feeling emotionally sick. I then exercise as much as my body will allow, but it is not good enough because I ate so much. I promise myself that I will do better tomorrow onwards. Then this cycle repeats day in and day out.

I hate visiting the store and having to look through all the content in each food that I buy. I hate passing by the diet pills and deciding which one I will buy when I have the guts. (of which I haven't had the courage yet... all I've bought are metabolism boosting stuff)

I hate passing by the clothes, but refusing to try anything on because I know that I will not like what I see and because I know I will not be the size I wish I was.
My body slowly loses. I'll reach a new low weight, then I shift back up a couple pounds and maintain for a month. It shifts up and down, no one notices and I'm thankful for that... that means that no one can be ashamed of how my mind works except for me. It means that no one can see me fail when I have a bite of chocolate. It means that no one can tell me that this is ridiculous. 122 and I'm heading down! I promise myself and I will learn to keep my promises. I'm tired of doing this to myself, but I cannot stop. It's a battle that I cannot win. This thing, this routine, is something I hate... yet I love. I feel like a normal girl without depression and all this crap when I restrict and think only about food. This consumes my thoughts, my life. I want to throw these thoughts and actions out the door... yet I cannot loosen my grip. Or does it have it's grip tightly on me?

I'm sorry God... I'm so sorry Father. I know that this is idolatry, I know that my focus strays from you because of this... but I do not know how to let go of it. I feel panicky when I think of not having this in my life.

I do not know what to do. I feel so confused...

I love this song!

Father, Savior, Friend, God, Lord, have I told you lately how much I love you? I miss feeling comfortable and close to you. I wish I could physically run into your arms. I want to feel better, I long to have a deeper relationship with you. Instead I just... feel lost and feel like hiding.

I want to raise up my worries, burdens, and sins. But I feel so ashamed and I do not want to let go of some of my shameful things. I do not want to give up restricting. I want to ask you to take the pain away from me, but I feel unworthy and filthy. I know I'm putting other things before you, I just feel trapped and conflicted. I do not know how to turn everything to you.

I want to raise my hands to you in worship, shout out your praises, sing at the top of my lungs, dance down the street, and cry out for you. I love you Dad, I miss you, I want to go home to you.