Body Issues **TRIGGERING CONTENT**

I'm TIRED of feeling so UPSET about my body!!!!!!

I have such self-hate running through me. I feel like falling to the ground and sobbing after looking into the mirror. Why does my body refuse to lose weight?! 20 pounds down and my body just hates me. I've changed my intake, I've upped my outtake, I've been attempting to up my metabolism... *silently screams*
What I need to change physically:

1. Loose 20 more pounds
2. Thinner thighs, THEY CANNOT TOUCH!
3. NO LOVE HANDLES!!!
   
4. No more lumpy stomach/need to flatten stomach
5. Hip bones defined
6. Smaller butt
7. More toned muscles in arms/less flab
8. Collar bones a little more defined
9. Be light enough that it is not difficult for a boyfriend/friend to pick me up
10. Never be the "fat-friend" again

What I need to change fitness-wise:

1. Up my endurance level
2. Up my flexibility
3. Exercise daily no matter what
4. Drink 4-8 glasses of water a day

What I need to change habit wise:

1. NO BINGING!!!!!!
2. Stop impulsively eating
3. Eat until full and do not eat unless hungry
4. Weigh myself only once a week, not multiple times a day

What I need to change about my personality and emotionally:

1. Stop comparing myself to others
2. Do not spread my bad habits to others
3. Bring my sense of humor back
4. Stop being the observer, start participating
5. Stop being annoying
6. Keep my happy-face up again
7. Listen to others, become everyone's confidant again
8. Do not let them see me fall
9. Be confident enough to come out from behind the camera

(or it shouldn't be, but mine is)

I want someone to know, someone I can talk to about this. But no one would believe me. They'd think that I'm trying to get attention or that I'm just making this crap up. I'm not. For two fucking years I have dealt with these thoughts. I have fought with myself whether I need to lose weight or whether I need to give my self-esteem a boost. I've always been the fat friend, I've always had body issues... but it wasn't until 2 years ago that I started acting on them religiously. I know what I am doing to my body. I know that what I eat isn't what a normal person eats, I know that I'm hurting myself mentally and physically. No matter how much I eat it feels like a binge. I want to lose weight, I long to see the change in the scale each morning. I'm tired of being fat.

My daily routine... I get up each morning. I look into the mirror, turn from side to side to see if my body has changed in any way. I bite my lip to keep from crying out at what I see. I suck in my stomach, and wish I looked like that all the time. Then I head to the scale. When it does not change the amount that I want it, I yell and promise myself that today will be a better day.

I promise myself that I will eat only x calories that day. I pay close attention to what I eat. A voice, my voice, in my head tells me that I am fat, worthless, a screw up every time I put food up to my lips. Then I eat more then what I was going to allow for the day. I hate myself, feel like tearing at my skin. Then the thought comes to mind... "oh well, I've fucked up today, might as well binge, it's not like it's going to change anything." Then I hate myself more for that.

I run to the scale to see how much it has changed from eating. I find myself on the bathroom floor, hating myself more because I cannot bring my body to purge the disgusting food out of me. I sit there crying, wishing I had a blade to write "fat, fuck up" on my arm. My stomach feels ill from the food in my stomach and from feeling emotionally sick. I then exercise as much as my body will allow, but it is not good enough because I ate so much. I promise myself that I will do better tomorrow onwards. Then this cycle repeats day in and day out.

I hate visiting the store and having to look through all the content in each food that I buy. I hate passing by the diet pills and deciding which one I will buy when I have the guts. (of which I haven't had the courage yet... all I've bought are metabolism boosting stuff)

I hate passing by the clothes, but refusing to try anything on because I know that I will not like what I see and because I know I will not be the size I wish I was.
My body slowly loses. I'll reach a new low weight, then I shift back up a couple pounds and maintain for a month. It shifts up and down, no one notices and I'm thankful for that... that means that no one can be ashamed of how my mind works except for me. It means that no one can see me fail when I have a bite of chocolate. It means that no one can tell me that this is ridiculous. 122 and I'm heading down! I promise myself and I will learn to keep my promises. I'm tired of doing this to myself, but I cannot stop. It's a battle that I cannot win. This thing, this routine, is something I hate... yet I love. I feel like a normal girl without depression and all this crap when I restrict and think only about food. This consumes my thoughts, my life. I want to throw these thoughts and actions out the door... yet I cannot loosen my grip. Or does it have it's grip tightly on me?

I'm sorry God... I'm so sorry Father. I know that this is idolatry, I know that my focus strays from you because of this... but I do not know how to let go of it. I feel panicky when I think of not having this in my life.

I do not know what to do. I feel so confused...

I love this song!

Father, Savior, Friend, God, Lord, have I told you lately how much I love you? I miss feeling comfortable and close to you. I wish I could physically run into your arms. I want to feel better, I long to have a deeper relationship with you. Instead I just... feel lost and feel like hiding.

I want to raise up my worries, burdens, and sins. But I feel so ashamed and I do not want to let go of some of my shameful things. I do not want to give up restricting. I want to ask you to take the pain away from me, but I feel unworthy and filthy. I know I'm putting other things before you, I just feel trapped and conflicted. I do not know how to turn everything to you.

I want to raise my hands to you in worship, shout out your praises, sing at the top of my lungs, dance down the street, and cry out for you. I love you Dad, I miss you, I want to go home to you.

**~**Childhood**~**...Do you ever feel like you just want to be a dork... have a day with no worries and just be yourself. Almost like you are a kid again. Not thinking about how others are judging you. Not having to worry about food and how it'll just be added to your hips. Not having to stress about tomorrow. Not having to worry about money. I want to have that day so much...

********

So what would I do on that day, you ask... hum.

• Wake up before the sun-rise.
• Get prettied up. Make-up, a dress, cute hairstyle, the whole sha-bang.
• Go to Taco Bell just before the sunset, watch the sunset while eating some yummy fast-food.
• Go back to dorm, get on some mix-matchy clothes, a wild hairstyle, then go to the mall. Just go through each store and try clothes on (no buying), hold the puppies, eat pretzel sticks at Auntie-Anns.
• Head to the nearest park. Play on all of the equipment. Dance like no one is around. Swing as high as you can, spin as fast as you can.
  
• Next is Monster Golf. Do not worry about winning, in fact... do your best to lose.
• Go to dinner at a breakfast joint, get all the items on the menu that you love.
• Go to Walmart, buy some $1 candies, a funny quiz magazine, crowns/"fancy" kid jewelry, and some fun-colored (non-permanent) hair dye.
• Proceed to crown yourselves as soon as you check out.
  
• Now a late movie, go see the funniest kids movie out there... If you are lucky and find a movie that has no one else in it... run around like maniacs, eat loads of popcorn (throw some), and the candy you bought.
• And now back to the dorm... dye hair with crazy-colored streaks.
• Turn on some crazy music and dance while making cookies. (eating cookie dough during this time)
• Back in room... eat the cookies with forks and be all "fancy" with "fancy" cups (with coffee in it of course!)
• Do all of the quizzes in the magazine.
• Crash on the floor with a blanket and pillow while watching The Princess Bride.

********

Why can't I have this day? Heck, who would I have this day with? No one seems really willing to come out of their comfort zone and well I seem to not have a well-formed comfort zone. Yes I get embarassed and worry what others think... but there are times that I just want to be myself... and a big part of me is being a dork, a spontaneous, childish, nutty person.

WEEKENDERS!!!

IT'S FRIDAY!!!! GLORIOUS GLORIOUS FRIDAY!!! I am so excited that it's the weekend and I can relax and de-stress. The weather is BEAUTIFUL... ok it's warmer at least.

I went to my pdoc on Wednesday. My anti-d was doubled. My mom thinks I'm on too high of a dose *rolls eyes*... I love how much she truly doesn't get. I think it is sweet that she says she wants me to talk to her if I ever feel down and such... but that's so hard to do when she just wants to "fix" my problems instead of listen and say I can see your going through a hard time. She also doesn't seem to understand that her little girl could be going through this depression crap. I feel like my emotions and problems are downplayed by her or will bring her down in the dumps, ya know?

I am really craving Lil Mexico food!!... Thank goodness that I am not home and able to maul food. I love how much more control over my food, my cleaning habits (I'm such a nerd, I enjoy cleaning), my life in general I seem to have while at college. I'm so glad that I haven't been over eating. Also my body is feeling fantastic since I'm back to exercising daily, hopefully my body will show some improvement on the scale soon.

I'm still avoiding walking over to the college counseling center. I've been told by a couple people I should go back... but I just do not know yet. There are days I feel productive and that I can handle going to classes... but there are other days that I just run back to my room after classes because of anxiety or stay in bed and miss a class because of depression. Mental Illness SUCKS... don't let anyone tell you any different k. *wink*

Coffee sounds LOVELY right now... too bad my roomie is not in here to make some with her machine... bah.

Time is just going by way too fast. It seems life is just so rushed... I wish I could really live it. Yet if I slow down, I end up feeling suicidal. So busy it shall be...

Off to clean and exercise. Take care and enjoy your weekend!