Life-Lost

I lost my life to depression. I lost my joy, I lost my interests, I lost my personality, I lost my faith, I lost everything.

The one thing that hurts the most is... knowing that I've felt differently. It hurts to know that at one time in the past I was happy. At one time in my life I actually wanted to see another day. If things could change for the worse, why can't I change them back for the better?

I remember what it is like to be enthusiastic about theatre. I remember adoring the stage, being excited to audition. Now all I feel is anxiety and deep sadness. I feel anxious, because I know I'm not talented. (Which in turn ruins auditions.) I feel deep sadness, because I miss being on stage and I miss acting. It was a passion of mine, and I lost it. I try so hard to get it back, but I am a failure at this... I can't seem to get my passions back in life.

"You see life slip away and fade, leaving only memories of a time before the monster. Soon, you don't see a reason to go back... And then you begin to forget what it was like to not only cry, but to laugh. And that is when you have lost yourself in the folds of darkness." - (http://thesuicidelist.blogspot.com/)

*nods* That is all true.

I miss real laughter. I miss real joy. I'm tired of faking it. I miss crying. I never thought I'd say that. I always thought crying was a sign of weakness, in some ways I still feel that way about crying... but now I miss that relief. I never cry, I'm so tired of not letting my emotions show.

I miss trusting my friends. I miss feeling like I belong. I feel like an observer and an outsider. I can't join in on the fun here at college, because I'm too busy being so damn depressed. I'm too busy trying to not kill myself (that seems so strange to admit) and too busy trying not to flunk out. I've lost who I really am. I've always been an extrovert, and I've always been the talkative one. Now I can't concentrate enough to let words flow out of my mouth... so I either sound like an idiot or I seem boring/annoying.

I've lost my faith. I "hide" (not technically possible, but hey I "try" anyways) from God. I can't seem to go to Him, because I feel so guilty for falling short of His glory. I feel so ashamed for what I have done. I also feel extremely guilty for not turning my back on my eating disorder and my self-injury. Instead I seem to be turning my back on Him. I really do not want to do this. I know what I need to do, but I can't seem to do the right thing. I feel like my depression is pulling me far away from the thing I'm searching for.

I'm so tired of living a life where I'm not actually living in the moment. I'm exhausted by living. I am either thinking of the past or worrying about the future. I'm never really there to enjoy life... so why live a life that I am not really living?

I'm so tired of thinking this way and I just wish it would all go away. I wish I could start over and I wish I wasn't given this path to take. I want my depression to go away!!