Dear Friends...

Do you exist?








Friend defined by Dictionary.com:

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement

Synonyms: acquaintance, ally, alter ego, buddy, companion, comrade, sidekick, spare... etc

Best Friend define by Dictionary.com:

the one friend who is closest to you

Does anyone I know fit those descriptions? Acquaintances yes, friends no. There are people I like, do they like me? I can't say I truly trust anyone. Does anyone really know me? I mean really know who I am. Does anyone really understand how I think? I guess I might have some people I ally with in my struggles, but they really do not know the big picture. No one does.

Is this all my fault once again? Am I at fault for not trusting anyone to show my real self? Is it my fault that no one sees the real me. I have to be at fault for this. I try, or at least I think I do. All of this sounds like drama, sounds annoying, sounds like I'm whining, and sounds like I'm just wanting sympathy... but I'm not really writing this for anyone to respond... more because I've been pondering this lately. I do not understand what true friendship is, just like I do not understand what love is.

I wish I had someone who I could confide in without worrying what they are thinking. I wish I had someone I could talk to without worrying about if what I am saying is hurting them, or worrying that they already have enough problems in life... no one needs to hear my problems. Sounds like I need a therapist? HAHA... seriously it does sound like I need someone who is not judgmental, who responds but mainly listens, etc... UGH I might need a therapist, but also I need a friend who actually cares. I do not want my friends to be my therapists, just to understand how I feel and to know the real me.

I'd love to have a companion who understands what I am thinking, will not respond with criticism, but is not afraid to speak their mind. I'd love to have someone who would drag me out of bed in the morning just to go have breakfast with me. Or someone who knows when I am down and will just be willing to sit with me. I want someone who wants to spend time with me, I mean truly WANTS to spend time with boring, annoying, self-centered, depressed me. Someone who is willing to be a dork with me.

Anyone out there willing to be my "friend", and by this I mean a TRUE friend.